Where is my f'ing baby already?!?!?

While I sit here waiting to start my first (and hopefully only) IVF treatment I wonder; how do women go thru this every day?  I am just over four and a half years into this form of waiting, waiting for a baby.  My days go from positive to almost ready to just end it all.  This makes me realize how genetically ingrained the need for a baby is.  The fact that it can affect my thoughts this much is almost scary.  I have heard stories that are worse then mine and I’ve heard stories that make me look like a saint, but at the end of the day, all I feel is lonely.  Why do women hide from the world when going thru such a horrible thing?  I decided early on in my journey to be open and honest about everything going on.  I refuse to make myself or anyone else feel like this is embarrassing or that this should be hidden away deep in my heart.  I refuse to let this define me, or at least I try very hard not too.  I am a loving wife to an amazing man, I have a loving family that I miss every day, I have a great job and 
I am having trouble getting pregnant at the age of 33.  

My husband and I got married 7/7/07, the 37^th anniversary of my parents wedding.  I stopped taking birth control long before our wedding and we decided that we would try to have a baby right away after getting married.  At this point I was 29 years old and we had been together for 4 years.  My best friend is pregnant at my wedding (however she will sadly have her 1^st of 2 miscarriages just a little bit after our wedding) and my brothers’ wife is pregnant with their 3^rd child (no problems except they were “almost” about to start an IVF treatment when they got pregnant, which btw, IVF is FREE in the state of 
Massachusetts where they live.  Wicked lucky!).  

I understood that the miracle of life was just that…a miracle.  However, I had no idea just how long and painful this process was going to be.  Oddly, the first 3 years are a blur, I don’t remember ever truly feeling sad until August 2010.  This is when for the first time someone finds something wrong with me.  Up to this point we have been to about 5 doctors appointments trying to figure out what was going on.  My husband’s analysis came back a little off and at first I actually felt a little disdain for him.  How could he not have taken better care of himself so that we could get pregnant?  He was a little overweight and I convinced myself that that was the problem.  But, in August of 2010, while having an iodine test done to check if my tubes were ok, a doctor found out that my uterus wasn’t filling with the iodine. I went in for the follow up with my OBGYN so that he could tell me the results which I thought would be perfect, and then my heart broke.  My uterus was filled with growths.  They looked like polyps but he wouldn’t know for sure until he went in and got them out.  All this time it was me.  ME!  I couldn’t believe it.  From that point on I have felt so much guilt.  Guilt that I am not only causing myself mental pain but also that now, my husband, who I was blaming, had to deal with the fact that it was probably me that was the problem.  How do you live with something like that?  I haven’t been the same since. 

At this point of the process, I have checked my ovulation with a kit for four and a half years, I have had sex every month like its my job around ovulation, I have had surgery to remove alien forms from my uterus, I have gone thru three cycles of Clomid, I have had 5 IUI’s, and I have had zero pregnancies.  I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages.  I went thru a six month period where I couldn’t talk to any friends that were pregnant, and I have felt bad about myself almost every day.

It’s November 2011 now, and I start my first IVF in one week.  I spent $29K just this week.  I am excited, terrified, nervous, but most of all my thoughts keep saying “Where is this fucking baby?”  I’m over waiting and I’m ready for this to happen now.

I'm writing this because I haven’t been able to really find anything online that explains to me what I can really expect.  I assume this is because women are almost ashamed of what they go thru that they don’t want to share this process with anyone until after they have that beautiful baby in hand.  And once that happens they forget all about this process. Please remember that this is just my story and every story is different, but I will explain what the injections make me feel like.  I will speak of the side effects that no one has told me about.  I will be honest about the horrible shots that have to be injected into my stomach daily.