floating

Day 11: All we need is 1 egg, but my body seems to want to make 60 for some annoying reason.  Today we found out that I am reacting "too well" to the medicine and I had to be taken off.  My E2 (estrogen) level is at 7328 which just crazy and I am feeling it.  I imagine this is kind of what it feels like to be uncomfortable during pregnancy; my back is killing me, my stomach feels like a rock and I'm nauseous all the time.  

The doctor has put me in a "floating" state.  What this means is that I won't be injecting any more hormones but will continue my Cetrotide injection in order to halt my LH surge.  I'll be going to the doctor every day now because they have to watch me closely as I am on the verge of hyperstimulation.  We don't want this to happen, it is a BAD thing.  They are hoping that without the hormones my body will naturally lower my estrogen level.  Let's hope it does because they can't do the surgery until it goes down.  Stupid hormones.  

In our ultra sound this morning, the technician said that I had over 30 follicles in just my left ovary...she wouldn't even give me the count in my right.   I do love this woman though.  She has done most of my ultra sounds and she remembers me every time because I seem to always have the most follicles.  She gives me insight to what the doctor is going to most likely do with my treatment that day.  She has always been right so far.  She's brilliant. 

All I can do is continue to waddle around and wait for my body to do its thing.  Let's hope it moves a little quicker then I am at the moment.  

Shots Fired

We are done with day 1 folks.  It wasn't the most pleasant thing I've ever felt but it most definitely wasn't horrible. 1st Shot: Gonal-F went in smoothly.  2nd Shot: Menopur went in a little more rough.  When we inject, we are supposed to hold the needle in for 5 seconds.  A real 5 seconds people...not the quick seconds we did as children.  I definitely felt the Menopur needle going in and let out a tiny little yelp that scared my husband a little and he pulled the needle out.  I'm not sure if its because of the meds, the needle or if it was that side of my stomach.  No matter what, he was a super star.  It can't feel good hurting the person you love the mostest.  Tomorrow we'll make a few adjustments with the location.  

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!  I’m thankful for my amazing family and friends. This has been an incredibly difficult year for us but we made it through with the love that surrounds us.    I also want to give a shout-out to my period that arrived today.  I’m thankful that you have started so that I can start to jab my belly on Saturday.  It’s been great fun, but 
I hope you disappear for 40 weeks. 

Where is my f'ing baby already?!?!?

While I sit here waiting to start my first (and hopefully only) IVF treatment I wonder; how do women go thru this every day?  I am just over four and a half years into this form of waiting, waiting for a baby.  My days go from positive to almost ready to just end it all.  This makes me realize how genetically ingrained the need for a baby is.  The fact that it can affect my thoughts this much is almost scary.  I have heard stories that are worse then mine and I’ve heard stories that make me look like a saint, but at the end of the day, all I feel is lonely.  Why do women hide from the world when going thru such a horrible thing?  I decided early on in my journey to be open and honest about everything going on.  I refuse to make myself or anyone else feel like this is embarrassing or that this should be hidden away deep in my heart.  I refuse to let this define me, or at least I try very hard not too.  I am a loving wife to an amazing man, I have a loving family that I miss every day, I have a great job and 
I am having trouble getting pregnant at the age of 33.  

My husband and I got married 7/7/07, the 37^th anniversary of my parents wedding.  I stopped taking birth control long before our wedding and we decided that we would try to have a baby right away after getting married.  At this point I was 29 years old and we had been together for 4 years.  My best friend is pregnant at my wedding (however she will sadly have her 1^st of 2 miscarriages just a little bit after our wedding) and my brothers’ wife is pregnant with their 3^rd child (no problems except they were “almost” about to start an IVF treatment when they got pregnant, which btw, IVF is FREE in the state of 
Massachusetts where they live.  Wicked lucky!).  

I understood that the miracle of life was just that…a miracle.  However, I had no idea just how long and painful this process was going to be.  Oddly, the first 3 years are a blur, I don’t remember ever truly feeling sad until August 2010.  This is when for the first time someone finds something wrong with me.  Up to this point we have been to about 5 doctors appointments trying to figure out what was going on.  My husband’s analysis came back a little off and at first I actually felt a little disdain for him.  How could he not have taken better care of himself so that we could get pregnant?  He was a little overweight and I convinced myself that that was the problem.  But, in August of 2010, while having an iodine test done to check if my tubes were ok, a doctor found out that my uterus wasn’t filling with the iodine. I went in for the follow up with my OBGYN so that he could tell me the results which I thought would be perfect, and then my heart broke.  My uterus was filled with growths.  They looked like polyps but he wouldn’t know for sure until he went in and got them out.  All this time it was me.  ME!  I couldn’t believe it.  From that point on I have felt so much guilt.  Guilt that I am not only causing myself mental pain but also that now, my husband, who I was blaming, had to deal with the fact that it was probably me that was the problem.  How do you live with something like that?  I haven’t been the same since. 

At this point of the process, I have checked my ovulation with a kit for four and a half years, I have had sex every month like its my job around ovulation, I have had surgery to remove alien forms from my uterus, I have gone thru three cycles of Clomid, I have had 5 IUI’s, and I have had zero pregnancies.  I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages.  I went thru a six month period where I couldn’t talk to any friends that were pregnant, and I have felt bad about myself almost every day.

It’s November 2011 now, and I start my first IVF in one week.  I spent $29K just this week.  I am excited, terrified, nervous, but most of all my thoughts keep saying “Where is this fucking baby?”  I’m over waiting and I’m ready for this to happen now.

I'm writing this because I haven’t been able to really find anything online that explains to me what I can really expect.  I assume this is because women are almost ashamed of what they go thru that they don’t want to share this process with anyone until after they have that beautiful baby in hand.  And once that happens they forget all about this process. Please remember that this is just my story and every story is different, but I will explain what the injections make me feel like.  I will speak of the side effects that no one has told me about.  I will be honest about the horrible shots that have to be injected into my stomach daily.