Grab your tissues folks....

Sadly it's not looking like this one is gonna hold on to that uterus like we hoped it would.  Very sad...now get over it and make me laugh clowns.  I cried for about 1 minute and I've moved on.  Gotta remember that I GOT PREGNANT...I've been waiting to say that for almost 5 years and honestly it was amazing to be able to say it.  I'm going to cherish those moments and remember the positive feelings I felt.  Hang up those phones...if you call me crying I'm gonna hang up on you...I promise. 

We go back to the doctor on Wednesday, I'm waiting for the "bleeding" to start and if it hasn't by then I'll be getting one of those delightful shots you all know I love.  Can't wait for that.  I've missed them....NOT.   Now....where are those chocolate chip cookies and barbecue potato chips...gotta go.  xox

The hump result....

Looks like we are finally over that hump!!!  We are pregnant!!!  I can't even explain the emotions going thru me at this moment but I am surprised that a piece of me is scared sh$!@less.  It's been so long and I've been mesmerized with the "getting pregnant" part that I forgot to obsess over what happens when I am actually pregnant.  I guess I've got to run out and buy "What to expect when expecting".  Luckily, We've got some amazing family and friends that will become our preggapedia's.

We are still very early on...so shhhhhhh!  So many things can happen over the next few months.  But no matter what, this was a huge HUMP to jump...I am pregnant...and I can get pregnant.  That is what really matters. I CAN GET PREGNANT!!!!  We go back to the doctors on Friday to get another blood test to confirm and check my levels.

Boring

Things have been very boring lately... almost didn't want to update the blog because with all the activity over the past few months, I've turned into a complete snore.  We did our transfer this past Sunday...it went very smoothly.  No trips to the hospital AND I was able to pee all on my own (this is a huge win for me after a procedure).  It's actually an amazing procedure.  I couldn't see much, but the look on my husbands face was all I needed.  No matter what happens, it was just nice to see such happiness.  We've gone through so much (luckily, I don't remember much thanks to the drugs) but he's been on a serious emotional roller coaster and I'm happy its over for the moment.  Looks like 2012 will be our year!  Now we wait 10 days.  

I've been considering cheating and taking a preggo test, but the doctor says that it most likely would not be accurate.  I think to keep my sanity I should just stay away from it.  I'm crazy enough.  Now back to my work life and time to enjoy what will hopefully be our last 9 months of quiet.  

Dreaming

I've been dreaming a lot since I left the hospital.  Almost too much.  In last night's dream, I was laying on my back in the ocean on a beautiful Caribbean day and all of the sudden a gigantor wave the size of a 30 story building came and crashed over me.  I wonder why all these dreams have fluid in them.  I worry every day that I'm going to get scared of drinking water.  Add it to my weird list of fears....fear of sharks...check...fear of snakes....check....fear of grass (yes people, grass, it happened when I moved to LA)...check...fear of all fluids, apparently...check.   I'm sure they have some rehab facility somewhere that will help me work through this.  I'll have to get over my fear of them though...so thats gonna be a while.  

Moving on from water and juice, after weeks of resting and relaxing we are on our way to transferring 2 embryos into their new home (aka my uterus).  They started me on a crazy regimen of medicines to get my uterus ready for these little ones...oh, I forgot to add, fear of medicine...check.  This Sunday we'll be implanting our 1 and only mr. embryo, we'll call him Pinky as he is currently frozen in the pink fluid (which I'm sure will cause his very own fear of fluid) and one of our 8 lovely lady embryos.  

Watch out 2012, we're only excepting positiveness this year.  We learned a lot in 2011 but lets be real here, I am very happy that it's over.  Happy New Year!

Perspective

This morning we had my follow up and things are looking good.  No signs of fluid (my lungs literally shifted in joy when we heard that), my estrogen level is back to normal which means we are transferring embryos in the next couple weeks!  Now that my brain can actually listen to the men in my life, I got the update from the doctor.  We've got loads of healthy little ones, in fact 2 are considered the Hermes of embryos.  So Fancy,  go us!  Although, a trip Hermes could cost the same price as these embryos did.  I do love those orange boxes, but I'll take the babies.

I've been home for 5 days now and it feels like I'm recovering from a loss.  Apparently I was very close to the 3 1/2 liters of fluid that was in my body.   I find myself going thru hilarious mood swings (I can call them hilarious now that they're over and I'm no longer crying).  

Day 1-2 at home: Terrified - How do people expect me to actually fall asleep?  For reals people, how am I supposed to convince my brain that I will wake up in the morning.  I've been told I was drowning and now they expect me to just lay down there without my 4 fabulous nurses checking on me constantly.  These people are just crazy. 

Day 2-3 at home: Happy - Dude, I'm just happy to be alive.  My husband gets to explain the fluid removal procedure to loads of people and it is pretty cool to hear after the fact.   Couple calls to my parents crying out of happiness that I can still say "I love you".  

Day 4 at home: Anger - Massive anger.  Overwhelming anger.  It all hit me at this one moment and it just took over me.  How could this have happened?  How did it go so far?  Dr. Google calmed me down.  That's when I found out I am the .01%.  You know, the "there is a .01% chance that you may have an astronomically horrible reaction to IVF and it will literally try to kill you" thing.  I then remember my doctor telling me that I am pretty much the worst case they have ever had at the clinic.  They have 1-2 patients a year deal with Hyper-Stimulation, but my case just happened to take that extra step.  Again, I'm just an overachiever. 

Day 5 at home: Chill - Doctors apt made me feel safe again, I've been hanging out with friends and enjoying life. I get tired easy so I took a nap and wrapped presents.  

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.  Thank you for reading and I'm so happy I'm here to write these followups.  Cherish each other everyday.  Life can change in an instant.  

Battle Wounds

We thought things couldn't get worse...we were wrong.   I've placed my photo at the end of this posting for your sake.  I suggest that if you don't have a strong stomach, you do not look at it.  If you do, you're welcome. 

After having the fluid removed this past Wednesday we noticed I wasn't breathing very well.  Friday night started the nightmare of this weekend.  As I was going to sleep we noticed a crackling in my breathing.  Every time I took a breath in, we could hear a bubbling type noise.  My husband was so concerned he did not sleep all night.  He just stared at me and researched fluid issues on line with regards to Hyper Stimulation.  What he found was incredibly scary.  During that evening, Dr. Google (aka Hubby), had diagnosed that I had fluid in my lungs and that I was basically drowning.  He continually moved me all night and when I woke up we were off to the local doctor to get a chest X-ray.  They couldn't take us right away so we decided to get me out for a walk so I wasn't sitting anymore.  We went to the local farmers market, looking back, this is a little funny.  

After some painful pressing on my abdomen and a listen to my lungs I was brought to the X-ray machine. As we were walking out of the room after the technician had done the test, he said "I'll be able to make you a copy of this for the hospital in 15 mins."  We knew things did not go well.  Turns out there was fluid in there for sure.  Doctor handed us the X-rays and said "get to the ER now".  

The rest of this story gets very scary and it includes 3 days at the hospital but I will try to give it to you quick.  We get to the hospital (Cedar Sinai Medical Center - aka "that place that saved my life") and I'm brought right back to the room.   Luckily we have a guardian angel at this hospital because a good friend of ours is a doctor there and he has called ahead for us.  Blood is drawn and my D-dimer level is a whopping 5500.  This is an incredibly scary number mainly because if your level is 500 or above it causes huge alarm that there could be a blood clot somewhere.  My level is astronomical (you know me and my overachieving numbers) and at that point, I become an "important" patient.  Let me tell you, this is not a list you want to be on in an ER.  

The doctors and nurses went into action...a lot of movement most of which I do not remember.  A nurse looks me straight in the eyes and tells me I MUST keep calm because the last thing they want is my blood pumping harder.  This is a massive internal struggle as I have heard the words "pulmonary embolism" on TV and it is never ever a good thing.  In fact, this is usually what they kill actors off with.  

I'm brought in for a CT angiogram and after having a little trouble with getting the iodine thru my veins, the blood clot in my lung was ruled out.   They decided this is the perfect moment to let me know that blood clots are the silent killer in the ER, cue massive anxiety attack.  What I did have was pleural effusion, basically a fancy way of saying, I had fluids crushing my right lung.  At this point we are very happy that I am not going to die...little did I know...they had to get this fluid out of me.

Upstairs I go.  Over the next 3 days I'm watched carefully, blood thinners go in (I could still get a clot at this point and they want to take all precautions),  my legs get checked for clots carefully with an ultrasound, all good there....and then....they remove the fluid.  Let me start by saying that I am kept awake for this procedure. I never want to be awake for it ever again.  I'm sure there is some horrible video you can find on youtube that will show you what they do.  It includes a 3-4 inch needle that pokes thru my back into my lung cavity, and then things happen.... like some pumping to get the fluid out.  This made me feel like someone was stealing the gasoline out of my car, only this was my body, and the man behind me was the fluid whisperer.  (Side note: this doctor was amazing, probably the best guy in the nation at this specific procedure.  We stayed in the hospital an extra day to have this guy do it.)   My hubby, Dr. Google, was fascinated by this and took the picture below.  I look incredibly sad, don't you think?  Fluid out, tests come back normal, X-ray, I leave the hospital 9 hours after the procedure.  Battle wounds: hole in back, massive bruises from the 4 attempts at putting an IV in, 5th ones a charm, mentally deflated. 

The amazing news: we have 9 extremely healthy embryos chilling away on their Christmas vacation.  This was all worth it - I can say this now because I'm alive thanks to Dr. Google.

WARNING***WARNING***WARNING

Potential vomit inducing pic below...enjoy:)

The Good, The Bad, & The Bloated

The GOOD:  Retrieval surgery on Saturday went well....42 eggs, which is an amazing number.  The ideal number you want to get somewhere in the teens, so the fact that I had that many is really spectacular.  By Sunday 25 had become embryos and on Wednesday our new count was 20.  We'll find out today what our final number is.

The BAD:  Because I had so many eggs, my ovaries grew to be extremely large.  When they removed the eggs all that space filled up with fluid.  By Sunday I was in a massive amount of pain.  On Monday they had to cancel my embryo transfer because I was getting so sick which was a bit of a bummer but I was in so much pain that honestly I couldn't imagine doing the transfer at that point.  

The BLOATED:  I've gained about 6 pounds and my stomach is about 6 inches larger then normal....so I'm pretty bloated.  I don't remember much of Tuesday or Wednesday other then they put me on Vicodin so I'm pretty much slept and tried to find some sort of comfortable position.  Thursday we went back to the doctor at which point the fluid had moved into 5 sections of my abdomen, the last being my lung area.   At that point it was decided I needed to go back into surgery and have some fluid removed to relieve the pressure.  They took out 2 liters!!!  That's a big ol' soda bottle of fluid.  I'm finally eating and talking again which is making the hubby happy because he's just been terrified staring at me for 5 days straight.  Poor guy.  Still a little out of breath and there is still fluid in me, but things are much more manageable.  

Things may seem bad, but they are really ok.  We are so excited that we got embryos.  They will be frozen tomorrow and we'll do the transfer next cycle when I'm healthy again.  For now, I just rest, work on getting strong again, and somehow deal with the pain of having to suffer thru watching bad action movies that I've seen before.  Apparently the hubby has been trying to watch them all week and my subconscious just kept saying no.  The hubby would like to add that he suffered thru a lot of HGTV all week (honestly I know he liked it.  He's totally into House Hunters).