Perspective

This morning we had my follow up and things are looking good.  No signs of fluid (my lungs literally shifted in joy when we heard that), my estrogen level is back to normal which means we are transferring embryos in the next couple weeks!  Now that my brain can actually listen to the men in my life, I got the update from the doctor.  We've got loads of healthy little ones, in fact 2 are considered the Hermes of embryos.  So Fancy,  go us!  Although, a trip Hermes could cost the same price as these embryos did.  I do love those orange boxes, but I'll take the babies.

I've been home for 5 days now and it feels like I'm recovering from a loss.  Apparently I was very close to the 3 1/2 liters of fluid that was in my body.   I find myself going thru hilarious mood swings (I can call them hilarious now that they're over and I'm no longer crying).  

Day 1-2 at home: Terrified - How do people expect me to actually fall asleep?  For reals people, how am I supposed to convince my brain that I will wake up in the morning.  I've been told I was drowning and now they expect me to just lay down there without my 4 fabulous nurses checking on me constantly.  These people are just crazy. 

Day 2-3 at home: Happy - Dude, I'm just happy to be alive.  My husband gets to explain the fluid removal procedure to loads of people and it is pretty cool to hear after the fact.   Couple calls to my parents crying out of happiness that I can still say "I love you".  

Day 4 at home: Anger - Massive anger.  Overwhelming anger.  It all hit me at this one moment and it just took over me.  How could this have happened?  How did it go so far?  Dr. Google calmed me down.  That's when I found out I am the .01%.  You know, the "there is a .01% chance that you may have an astronomically horrible reaction to IVF and it will literally try to kill you" thing.  I then remember my doctor telling me that I am pretty much the worst case they have ever had at the clinic.  They have 1-2 patients a year deal with Hyper-Stimulation, but my case just happened to take that extra step.  Again, I'm just an overachiever. 

Day 5 at home: Chill - Doctors apt made me feel safe again, I've been hanging out with friends and enjoying life. I get tired easy so I took a nap and wrapped presents.  

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.  Thank you for reading and I'm so happy I'm here to write these followups.  Cherish each other everyday.  Life can change in an instant.  

Battle Wounds

We thought things couldn't get worse...we were wrong.   I've placed my photo at the end of this posting for your sake.  I suggest that if you don't have a strong stomach, you do not look at it.  If you do, you're welcome. 

After having the fluid removed this past Wednesday we noticed I wasn't breathing very well.  Friday night started the nightmare of this weekend.  As I was going to sleep we noticed a crackling in my breathing.  Every time I took a breath in, we could hear a bubbling type noise.  My husband was so concerned he did not sleep all night.  He just stared at me and researched fluid issues on line with regards to Hyper Stimulation.  What he found was incredibly scary.  During that evening, Dr. Google (aka Hubby), had diagnosed that I had fluid in my lungs and that I was basically drowning.  He continually moved me all night and when I woke up we were off to the local doctor to get a chest X-ray.  They couldn't take us right away so we decided to get me out for a walk so I wasn't sitting anymore.  We went to the local farmers market, looking back, this is a little funny.  

After some painful pressing on my abdomen and a listen to my lungs I was brought to the X-ray machine. As we were walking out of the room after the technician had done the test, he said "I'll be able to make you a copy of this for the hospital in 15 mins."  We knew things did not go well.  Turns out there was fluid in there for sure.  Doctor handed us the X-rays and said "get to the ER now".  

The rest of this story gets very scary and it includes 3 days at the hospital but I will try to give it to you quick.  We get to the hospital (Cedar Sinai Medical Center - aka "that place that saved my life") and I'm brought right back to the room.   Luckily we have a guardian angel at this hospital because a good friend of ours is a doctor there and he has called ahead for us.  Blood is drawn and my D-dimer level is a whopping 5500.  This is an incredibly scary number mainly because if your level is 500 or above it causes huge alarm that there could be a blood clot somewhere.  My level is astronomical (you know me and my overachieving numbers) and at that point, I become an "important" patient.  Let me tell you, this is not a list you want to be on in an ER.  

The doctors and nurses went into action...a lot of movement most of which I do not remember.  A nurse looks me straight in the eyes and tells me I MUST keep calm because the last thing they want is my blood pumping harder.  This is a massive internal struggle as I have heard the words "pulmonary embolism" on TV and it is never ever a good thing.  In fact, this is usually what they kill actors off with.  

I'm brought in for a CT angiogram and after having a little trouble with getting the iodine thru my veins, the blood clot in my lung was ruled out.   They decided this is the perfect moment to let me know that blood clots are the silent killer in the ER, cue massive anxiety attack.  What I did have was pleural effusion, basically a fancy way of saying, I had fluids crushing my right lung.  At this point we are very happy that I am not going to die...little did I know...they had to get this fluid out of me.

Upstairs I go.  Over the next 3 days I'm watched carefully, blood thinners go in (I could still get a clot at this point and they want to take all precautions),  my legs get checked for clots carefully with an ultrasound, all good there....and then....they remove the fluid.  Let me start by saying that I am kept awake for this procedure. I never want to be awake for it ever again.  I'm sure there is some horrible video you can find on youtube that will show you what they do.  It includes a 3-4 inch needle that pokes thru my back into my lung cavity, and then things happen.... like some pumping to get the fluid out.  This made me feel like someone was stealing the gasoline out of my car, only this was my body, and the man behind me was the fluid whisperer.  (Side note: this doctor was amazing, probably the best guy in the nation at this specific procedure.  We stayed in the hospital an extra day to have this guy do it.)   My hubby, Dr. Google, was fascinated by this and took the picture below.  I look incredibly sad, don't you think?  Fluid out, tests come back normal, X-ray, I leave the hospital 9 hours after the procedure.  Battle wounds: hole in back, massive bruises from the 4 attempts at putting an IV in, 5th ones a charm, mentally deflated. 

The amazing news: we have 9 extremely healthy embryos chilling away on their Christmas vacation.  This was all worth it - I can say this now because I'm alive thanks to Dr. Google.

WARNING***WARNING***WARNING

Potential vomit inducing pic below...enjoy:)

The Good, The Bad, & The Bloated

The GOOD:  Retrieval surgery on Saturday went well....42 eggs, which is an amazing number.  The ideal number you want to get somewhere in the teens, so the fact that I had that many is really spectacular.  By Sunday 25 had become embryos and on Wednesday our new count was 20.  We'll find out today what our final number is.

The BAD:  Because I had so many eggs, my ovaries grew to be extremely large.  When they removed the eggs all that space filled up with fluid.  By Sunday I was in a massive amount of pain.  On Monday they had to cancel my embryo transfer because I was getting so sick which was a bit of a bummer but I was in so much pain that honestly I couldn't imagine doing the transfer at that point.  

The BLOATED:  I've gained about 6 pounds and my stomach is about 6 inches larger then normal....so I'm pretty bloated.  I don't remember much of Tuesday or Wednesday other then they put me on Vicodin so I'm pretty much slept and tried to find some sort of comfortable position.  Thursday we went back to the doctor at which point the fluid had moved into 5 sections of my abdomen, the last being my lung area.   At that point it was decided I needed to go back into surgery and have some fluid removed to relieve the pressure.  They took out 2 liters!!!  That's a big ol' soda bottle of fluid.  I'm finally eating and talking again which is making the hubby happy because he's just been terrified staring at me for 5 days straight.  Poor guy.  Still a little out of breath and there is still fluid in me, but things are much more manageable.  

Things may seem bad, but they are really ok.  We are so excited that we got embryos.  They will be frozen tomorrow and we'll do the transfer next cycle when I'm healthy again.  For now, I just rest, work on getting strong again, and somehow deal with the pain of having to suffer thru watching bad action movies that I've seen before.  Apparently the hubby has been trying to watch them all week and my subconscious just kept saying no.  The hubby would like to add that he suffered thru a lot of HGTV all week (honestly I know he liked it.  He's totally into House Hunters).

Trigger Happy

Day 14: No one tells you that the Novarel (aka trigger & HCG injection) is going to feel like its attacking you from the inside.  Barely slept last night because of massive cramping, and what I had convinced myself at 3am, a heart attack (aka heart burn, shouldn't have eaten that Red Baron pizza).  This is all normal folks.  The nurse said that these are normal side effects and that mine were just much worse because my numbers are so high.  It's all a trick, to get you to take the injection.  Those sneaky little honey badgers.  

Today I get no injections, I just get to sit back, relax and enjoy the cramping.  Our nurse called to prep us for the "procedure" and her prep notes were....

1. "no eating/drinking after 2am" - You know I'm gonna sit up until then eating 

cookies and drinking everything in sight.

2. "check in is at 11am" - Totally normal, we'll be there at 8am because I'm known as the early bird thats always there WAY too early.

3. "don't pee to much before I get there" - I'm nervous...in my world of bladder, if I have to pee I start the pee pee dance immediately....not sure how I'm going to withstand a 

30 minute drive in the car over bumps.

4. "wear warm socks" - Yes ladies & gentlemen...this is the MOST important note of them all.  I wonder if this includes Uggs.  Although, I'll be in such a happy place with all the meds that I'm sure I won't have any clue as to the temperature of my toes...I will be wearing warm socks.  No worries mom & dad, I follow directions. 

Harvest Time

Day 13:  Triggering tonight!  Surgery this Saturday.  It's time to gather the seeds people.  Hold on to your hats because its gonna be "raining eggs! hallelujah! - it's raining eggs! EGGS!"  The Doctor is feeling very optimistic about my numbers.  I've got more than 75 follicles.  They stopped counting yesterday and gave up.  A good amount of them will be empty, but we should get a really nice batch. 

I'm apparently an anomaly at the office.  Everyone knows my numbers, and everyone was asking how I was holding up today.  My blood guy said it was the most follicles he's ever heard of and he WORKS at one of the TOP fertility clinics in AMERICA!!!  

I'm feeling pretty full these days.  Moving slower and slower, and I've had a headache since last night that I'm pretty sure is gonna hang around for a few days.  But WHO CARES...I'm so fracking excited that they are going to be able to get these little guys out of me and make me babies.  Maybe I'll be able to convince him to put in 10 embryos....Just Kidding ;) ...maybe not. No, just kidding.

floating

Day 11: All we need is 1 egg, but my body seems to want to make 60 for some annoying reason.  Today we found out that I am reacting "too well" to the medicine and I had to be taken off.  My E2 (estrogen) level is at 7328 which just crazy and I am feeling it.  I imagine this is kind of what it feels like to be uncomfortable during pregnancy; my back is killing me, my stomach feels like a rock and I'm nauseous all the time.  

The doctor has put me in a "floating" state.  What this means is that I won't be injecting any more hormones but will continue my Cetrotide injection in order to halt my LH surge.  I'll be going to the doctor every day now because they have to watch me closely as I am on the verge of hyperstimulation.  We don't want this to happen, it is a BAD thing.  They are hoping that without the hormones my body will naturally lower my estrogen level.  Let's hope it does because they can't do the surgery until it goes down.  Stupid hormones.  

In our ultra sound this morning, the technician said that I had over 30 follicles in just my left ovary...she wouldn't even give me the count in my right.   I do love this woman though.  She has done most of my ultra sounds and she remembers me every time because I seem to always have the most follicles.  She gives me insight to what the doctor is going to most likely do with my treatment that day.  She has always been right so far.  She's brilliant. 

All I can do is continue to waddle around and wait for my body to do its thing.  Let's hope it moves a little quicker then I am at the moment.  

Going thru the motions

Not sure what to write these days.  I feel like its the same story over and over.  Needle in belly, blood test, ultra sound, results.  My belly is a battlefield of polka dots and bruises.   So here are a few quick notes from the past few days.

Day 7 Injections:  This is the evening we hit our first vain.  I didn't feel it, but the hubby sure did.  Little blood, large bump, hives...and a call to the emergency nurse line.  All was good, it was our first time giving me the Cetrotide injection and we were worried that I was having an allergic reaction because after hitting the vain I got an immediate hive that was about an inch in size.  The nurse said that it could be a reaction to the needle and to ice it.  We iced it for about 20 minutes and everything was fine.

Day 8: a blur of lots of TV and a trip to the grocery store and a 3 jabs to the belly.

Day 9: It's Sunday and the doctor's office was nice enough to give us a 7:15am appointment for a blood test and ultra sound.  I love waking up at 6am on a Sunday morning....its my favorite thing (cue enormous and dramatic sigh).  We were able to measure a lot of the follicles and some where measuring up to 16.   Nurse said it looks like 15 follicles are maturing very nicely which is a fantastic number.  You don't want to have too many, but you also don't want just a few.   My E2 level was over 2000.  I'm surprised I didn't cry.

One of my closest friends had an adorable baby a couple weeks ago, but because I was sick I wasn't able to meet him.  Today we finally got over there.  I think I spent a full hour just holding him!  Had to put some of that baby energy into my body...he is my baby Buddha.   

Say What?

Day 7:  Dear diary....I went to the doctors this morning for a blood test and ultra sound and found out that I am an Egg Making Machine!!!!  I've got 33 follicles in total.  18 in my right ovary and 15 in my left.  So I guess that means our parents better start saving up some cash for all these grandchildren!!! Just kidding, Gigi, Papa, and Grandma....I promise I won't be the next Octomom... or Triginta-tres-mom! 

Our appointment went something like this: sign in - wait - bloodtest - wait - ultra sound - "I'm sorry, how many are in there?!?!?!" - talk to our nurse about questions regarding paper work we received from the surgery center - meet with the billing person at our surgery center and spend $6,950 in about 2 minutes (Ouch) - meet with our doctor regarding genetic testing and clarify if we need assisted hatching (this may sound like I'm literally about to lay eggs but its a process where the technicians make an incision in the embryo to help with the attachment process to the uterus - currently not something we need to do since I'm only 33 and this is my first IVF) - talk to the surgical center nurse regarding our paperwork that needs to be signed before going into surgery next week - sign paperwork - call our parents in amazement of all these follicles!

All in all, it's been a great day.  My E2 level (aka estrogen level) is at 1641 which would explain why I started crying today watching the Hunger Games trailer (for the 6th time) and then cried again while watching "Last Man Standing" which embarrassingly enough (for many reasons) is a sitcom.  Someone needs to slap me back into reality.  Only other side effect I'm feeling are my rock hard ovaries.  Really feels like I'm carrying around some rocks in there. 

Surgery will be happening next week.  I start my Cetrotide injections this evening.  This drug is used to stop my LH surge from happening.  I'll have whats called a trigger shot the night before my surgery that will kick my system into action.

Day 4 Stats

Here are my injection day 4 stats for my IVF ladies.

Day 1-3: Gonal-F @225, 1 powder of Menopur

Day 4: b/w, u/s

  Follicles: 8-L, 10-R

  E2 Level: 562

Reducing Gonal-F to 150 for day 4, 5 & 6 injections
Hubby & I started our Z-Packs on day 5

*Next b/w, u/s morning of day 7

Lazy Left is back in the game baby!

This picture represents all the follicles in my ovaries.  It's like a snow day in there.  10 follicles in my right ovary and 8 in my left.  You read that right people, 8!!  My lazy left ovary has created more follicles.  No more cookies for it.  The ultra-sound technician informed us that there is a chance my E2 level will be high and they'll have to lower my hormone dosage.  Don't want the E2 level to be too high.  We'll wait for the doctor's office to call and I'll find out then what the level is and what "normal" is. 

Lets chat about side effects.  I've had a bad cold for about 2 weeks now so I'm not sure what side effects are being caused by it and what the meds are causing.  Other then the horrendous cough and the stuffy nose, I'm walking into things (I'm a little loopy, but that could be the cold), and the injection site on my tummy is sensitive.  I've had a little cramping every morning at around 4:15am which wakes me up.  Bad timing, but I'll just consider it prep for parenthood.  Other then that, I'm feeling pretty good.  

Now we just wait for our nurse to call us and give us instructions for this evenings injections and when we'll need to be back at the doctors office for another blood test and ultra-sound.  In the meantime, I hope my snow flakes continue growing:)

Dzień drugi, że boli

Day 2: Same shots, but switched the location of the Menopur to see if yesterday pain was because of the spot we chose on my stomach....survey says....that bitch hurts no matter where it's going in.  Good to know.  Gonal-F, not a problem.   I'll have to look around online and see if thats normal, it will also be a question I ask the doctor tomorrow.  

On a fun note, we spent the day decorating the house for Christmas.  It looks beautiful thanks to one of my amazing friends who came over with her boyfriend and loads of decorations.  We're on a tight budget, so a big thank you and lots of love to them.

Shots Fired

We are done with day 1 folks.  It wasn't the most pleasant thing I've ever felt but it most definitely wasn't horrible. 1st Shot: Gonal-F went in smoothly.  2nd Shot: Menopur went in a little more rough.  When we inject, we are supposed to hold the needle in for 5 seconds.  A real 5 seconds people...not the quick seconds we did as children.  I definitely felt the Menopur needle going in and let out a tiny little yelp that scared my husband a little and he pulled the needle out.  I'm not sure if its because of the meds, the needle or if it was that side of my stomach.  No matter what, he was a super star.  It can't feel good hurting the person you love the mostest.  Tomorrow we'll make a few adjustments with the location.  

All Systems Go!

We are a go, people!  After a quick trip to the Doctors office this morning for blood work and an ultra sound, we got the call and my numbers are good. 

In order for me to start the injections, my follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and estradiol levels needed to be tested on day 3 of my period.   These tests are used to determine the the initial drug dosage and to make sure everything is working in there.  We start Gonal-F and Menopur injections this evening.  I’ve got 10 follicles in my right ovary (it’s a superstar) and 5 in my left (that’s my lazy side, I blame this ovary for all my lazy days on the couch eating chocolate chip cookies.)

We are extremely excited and I can’t believe the day is finally here.  We’ll see how upbeat I am in the next few days but right now my body is feeling positive and ready for this. 

The hubs is cracking his knuckles and practicing his jabbing.  I’m working on different ways of saying“Ouch…I wanna cookie now:(” 

Peace, love, and feel free to give yourselves a little pinch tonight at 9pm (PST) in honor of my belly.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!  I’m thankful for my amazing family and friends. This has been an incredibly difficult year for us but we made it through with the love that surrounds us.    I also want to give a shout-out to my period that arrived today.  I’m thankful that you have started so that I can start to jab my belly on Saturday.  It’s been great fun, but 
I hope you disappear for 40 weeks. 

Holy $hot!!!

Love hipstamatic, it makes everything look better, but don't let it fool you.  All those med's are going into me.  I’m not gonna lie, I was a little overwhelmed when I saw it all.  My husband unpacked them and took inventory and the moment he finished he called me and professed his love to me and gave me the ultimate “card”.  You know the “card”, the one I get to hold up in situations where he is being an ass and I get my way because I’ve done him an enormous favor.  Well, the favor this time is injecting all those medicines into my body while he just sits around waiting to do his part.  This “card” is a picture of a bunch needles going into my stomach and I’m going to use it for as long as I can. 

Lets break it down; the injectable medicines ended up costing us $2,940.45.  The pills (which no one told me about until I was basically picking them up) cost about $123.73.  Luckily those are actually partially covered by my insurance!  Praise the Lord!!! 

Off to injection lessons we go.  Now…they give you one lesson on how to do this all.  My husband secretly records the entire thing on his iPhone, because knowing us; we will most likely forget the process the moment we leave here.  There is a nurse on hand at all times that you can call and there are loads of videos emailed to us as well as websites that have them all.  But other then that we are on our own.   Our lesson became a chemistry class.  It took me back to high school, sitting in front of those freezing cold black top tables, only now we are sitting in uncomfortable chairs using the top of a file cabinet as a workspace in the smallest room they could find.  We mix water with water in our class to show us how to mix the solutions and powders.   There are different size needles that we have the capability of changing.  They give us a fake belly pad to practice on.  The hubby goes to insert the needle and my face turns to horror.  He’s forgotten to remove the 20 gauge needle!  For those who don’t know how long that is, it looks to be about 2 inches to my horrified eyes.  YOU AIN’T JABBING ME WITH THAT NEEDLE, BITCH…he stops just in time and realizes.  That poor fake belly almost got it. 

Maria, our nurse, suggests that my husband do all the injections while I lie down.   Did she not just see what happened?  At the end of the day, I agree that it’s probably the best idea.  I do have a high tolerance for pain, however I’m not sure if I have the guts to jab myself 2-3 times daily with something I know won’t feel good.  She gives us our calendar, which explains what shots I’ll be taking when and an idea of the timing of my retrieval surgery.   I love me a calendar. 

I’ll be taking 2-3 shots every evening at 9pm.  The timing was my choice, but it had to be an evening time.  I start with 2 shots and then move to 3 when my body is “ready” for it.  On day 7, both the hubs and I start on a z-pack.  Not sure why, but I’ll find out closer to that day.  I’m assuming it’s to kill any infections in our body so that my eggs and his sperm are at their prime.  I have no idea what these shots do exactly.  Other then the fact that they are hormones and they will make my body drop more eggs, I really don’t know what they are.  In my case I’d like to keep it this way.  To much information can make me a crazy person.  No need for me to obsess over something I can’t control. 

Once the shots have done their thing, and my body is ready for retrieval, I’ll be headed to the surgical center.  Out they go and I start on all of the oral meds (and another type of med that I’m not gonna chat about because I have boundaries to grossing people out, but lets just say it may as well be a tampon).  As of right now Maria says that these meds are to make my uterine lining the thickest and bestest it can be for embryo attachment.  YAY for modern medicine!

And there you go, a quick download on the meds and the process.  All I have to wait for now is for the “flow” to arrive.  We take off on a jet plane tomorrow and head to my parents.  Our amazing families have moved Thanksgiving to Monday so that we can spend it with them since it looks like I’ll have to fly home before the actual Thanksgiving to get the process started.  

Where is my f'ing baby already?!?!?

While I sit here waiting to start my first (and hopefully only) IVF treatment I wonder; how do women go thru this every day?  I am just over four and a half years into this form of waiting, waiting for a baby.  My days go from positive to almost ready to just end it all.  This makes me realize how genetically ingrained the need for a baby is.  The fact that it can affect my thoughts this much is almost scary.  I have heard stories that are worse then mine and I’ve heard stories that make me look like a saint, but at the end of the day, all I feel is lonely.  Why do women hide from the world when going thru such a horrible thing?  I decided early on in my journey to be open and honest about everything going on.  I refuse to make myself or anyone else feel like this is embarrassing or that this should be hidden away deep in my heart.  I refuse to let this define me, or at least I try very hard not too.  I am a loving wife to an amazing man, I have a loving family that I miss every day, I have a great job and 
I am having trouble getting pregnant at the age of 33.  

My husband and I got married 7/7/07, the 37^th anniversary of my parents wedding.  I stopped taking birth control long before our wedding and we decided that we would try to have a baby right away after getting married.  At this point I was 29 years old and we had been together for 4 years.  My best friend is pregnant at my wedding (however she will sadly have her 1^st of 2 miscarriages just a little bit after our wedding) and my brothers’ wife is pregnant with their 3^rd child (no problems except they were “almost” about to start an IVF treatment when they got pregnant, which btw, IVF is FREE in the state of 
Massachusetts where they live.  Wicked lucky!).  

I understood that the miracle of life was just that…a miracle.  However, I had no idea just how long and painful this process was going to be.  Oddly, the first 3 years are a blur, I don’t remember ever truly feeling sad until August 2010.  This is when for the first time someone finds something wrong with me.  Up to this point we have been to about 5 doctors appointments trying to figure out what was going on.  My husband’s analysis came back a little off and at first I actually felt a little disdain for him.  How could he not have taken better care of himself so that we could get pregnant?  He was a little overweight and I convinced myself that that was the problem.  But, in August of 2010, while having an iodine test done to check if my tubes were ok, a doctor found out that my uterus wasn’t filling with the iodine. I went in for the follow up with my OBGYN so that he could tell me the results which I thought would be perfect, and then my heart broke.  My uterus was filled with growths.  They looked like polyps but he wouldn’t know for sure until he went in and got them out.  All this time it was me.  ME!  I couldn’t believe it.  From that point on I have felt so much guilt.  Guilt that I am not only causing myself mental pain but also that now, my husband, who I was blaming, had to deal with the fact that it was probably me that was the problem.  How do you live with something like that?  I haven’t been the same since. 

At this point of the process, I have checked my ovulation with a kit for four and a half years, I have had sex every month like its my job around ovulation, I have had surgery to remove alien forms from my uterus, I have gone thru three cycles of Clomid, I have had 5 IUI’s, and I have had zero pregnancies.  I am jealous of people who have had miscarriages.  I went thru a six month period where I couldn’t talk to any friends that were pregnant, and I have felt bad about myself almost every day.

It’s November 2011 now, and I start my first IVF in one week.  I spent $29K just this week.  I am excited, terrified, nervous, but most of all my thoughts keep saying “Where is this fucking baby?”  I’m over waiting and I’m ready for this to happen now.

I'm writing this because I haven’t been able to really find anything online that explains to me what I can really expect.  I assume this is because women are almost ashamed of what they go thru that they don’t want to share this process with anyone until after they have that beautiful baby in hand.  And once that happens they forget all about this process. Please remember that this is just my story and every story is different, but I will explain what the injections make me feel like.  I will speak of the side effects that no one has told me about.  I will be honest about the horrible shots that have to be injected into my stomach daily.